officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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