Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We are all done wearing pants today
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
