uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
