She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
