I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
