I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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