forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
