I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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