I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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