she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
