Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
