one might say we're banned from that church
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
