she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
