Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
