We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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