the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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