you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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