dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
