how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
