Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You smell like stripper and shame
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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