How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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