Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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