I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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