I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
