good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
