So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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