im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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