In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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