we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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