nut hugger
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
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