My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
