i always forget guys have bellybuttons
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
