I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
