I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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