Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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