How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
