how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
