Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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