Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
