I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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