my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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