I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
