The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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