I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
did i just pee glitter
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
