I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Houston, we have a squirter
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
