Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
and she was petting her beer can
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
