Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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