You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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