My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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