Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
