Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
