I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
