I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
