she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
