Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
