if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
