took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
