I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
