Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
